Sunday, March 25, 2012

Pushing Buttons to Heaven.

The animals were kind of a give away that it was a place for kids and in a special way it made since. I could wonder if we were supposed to feel special getting a name tag to visit and I
sometimes wonder how many times I have been in each of the four elevators
feeling lucky they all went to the seventh floor. My mind was never focused on
one thing other than my son and what his world was filled with today so many
days ago. My mind does get lost in that time and what I wouldn't do sometimes to
go back but back doesn't exist anymore. The elevators lead to a very special
place filled with beauty if you could get past the deep since of pain that was
put on you upon entering. the same hallway for weeks lead me to him, it was
easy to greet everyone with a smile along the way, there was something special
about this place beyond the machines etc. that seemed to captivate me. So easily
a world I never thought I would be a part of and up to this point I never truly
understood! if suffering earns us points to Heaven then it would be easy to
understand why so many of them make it there much to quickly, it will take me a
lifetime to feel what he felt for most every second of his little life and I do
like to suffer. Simply how is he today was always the question and what you
wanted to really hear was he is ready to go home are anything even remotely close
to having a chance to go home, though now I understand he was always preparing
to go home just a different kind of home any parent would have a hard time
understanding. thinking back it was easy to see within his eyes so many times we
stared deeply at each other. I learned a great deal about him at those precious
times, the touch of his little fingers next to mine, the feel of his cute little
ears the shape of his face when I would put my hand over his forehead to shade
his eyes from the light. Memories for ever! In my mind he will always be that
sweet little boy though I wonder a great deal that special day when he greets me
at Heavens door if he will still be my sweet little baby Noah, so easily to
wonder if he will remember my touch, I do reach for him kissing whispers of love
to his sweet spirit, does heaven except those? can he still feel me thinking of
him. The last time he looked into my eyes before his big surgery as they were
putting him under was in its own way that something special I needed to feel the
way I do. I think his time was that day but I couldn't let him go yet and never
really feel like we had him back after the surgery, there was that one special
time when they woke him up and his eyes glazed open a bit with a since of
hope that he was still in there but in reality he was waiting for us to let him
go. knowing that special day it was easy to see why it had to be that day, that
time, in our arms, in that room with a beautiful storm to take him to heaven
knowing on his journey he passed through the beautiful garden, he knew how much
I wanted to take him there. The elevators at Children's Hospital do go all the
way to Heaven luckily for us it stopped at one very special floor so we could
have our special time with him and in a way that was like Heaven.

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